I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
