I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Randomize
