My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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