ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
Randomize
