Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
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I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
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I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
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