i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
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