bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
Woke up backwards on a recliner
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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