I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
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