I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
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