my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
just tell him i said nine months
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
