weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
