Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
Operation Purity has been aborted
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
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