just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
Randomize
