no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
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