If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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