ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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