Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
Randomize
