I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
Randomize
