I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
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