i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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