EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
