So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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