Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
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i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
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