Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
