i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
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