my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
