Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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