He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
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