Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
