Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
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