we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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