I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
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