I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
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