allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
Randomize
