theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
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