I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Randomize
