My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
Randomize
