i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
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