You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
