im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
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