I wanna bring you to show and tell
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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