You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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