anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
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Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
Vodka?
Forever.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
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Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
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