I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
Randomize
