We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
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She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
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I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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