I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
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