I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Whore.
I was being facetious
Don't try to hide behind big words.
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
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I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
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It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
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