Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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