I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
