He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
Drunk is not a location!
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
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