New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
I think pants incapable of making pants work
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Randomize
