he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
