I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
Randomize
