Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
People with herpes should wear stickers.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
