Why are handjobs necessary in class?
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
